In my experience often direct counsel / warnings and clarification come amidst the middle of the night or the moments between prayer and sleep.
But tonight – this woke me from sleep with such clarity that I found myself questioning why it didn’t happened years ago. I have struggled for years regarding my failure as a mother for my daughter, Abby.
I have always tried – honestly tried – to be a loving and present mother for all my children. I did all I could to raise them as an active, loving mother with a focus on the Savior, Jesus Christ and I have struggled to understand how the Lord could allow two parents who are doing our absolute best to keep our covenants and who know the power and breadth of the Holy Ghost; how could those two parents miss such a horrible, tragic evil being perpetrated in our proximity on our own daughter.
For years I have wrestled with my failure and Jimmy’s failure. Where were we? Why would someone hurt a beautiful, vibrant, glowing little girl? Why didn’t the Holy Ghost let us know? Why did our daughter endure something so evil? Why did the help we sought at the time only hurt the situation more? Why couldn’t we see give her the unconditional love in the way that she needed it and why couldn’t we be the parents she needed us to be? Why was I allowed to fail in protecting my daughter? Why, with two parents with temple covenants – why didn’t we listen and understand her better? Where was I spiritually and how could the Lord not have warned Jimmy or I?
I remember doing all I knew to do to help Abby at the time but it wasn’t enough and we placed her into the path of people we trusted, who alienated her further from the Lord and the gospel – the source of peace and unconditional love. The love she needed so desperately to realize how absolutely vital she is to our family, to us and to her Father in Heaven.
Tonight, I awoke from a dead sleep and couldn’t shake a terrible nightmare but then my mind started processing the insights and I couldn’t go back to sleep.
So many nights I have woken up with tears streaming down my face as I tried to repent for my failures as a mother especially regarding my beautiful Abby. There is so much I didn’t know and didn’t see and she was the one who got hurt.
Tonight I feel that I was given insight into the perpetrator of the abuse and I feel that I need to share with Abby the story (at least what I know) about those in our family who have been abused and the physical / emotional abuse they endured and some still have repercussions from. One is always drinking and I believe it is because of the abuse endured at the hands of others. One of them may have been the one who abused her and if so it is a cycle that I want to help her break.
I saw so clearly tonight how absolutely powerful Abby is and that from her youngest age she had enormous trials. She is powerful and the fact that her heart loves so large amid the evil she has consistently endured is a testament to the absolute strength of Abby.
Lately gospel topics, scriptures have all pointed me to my Abby. From the Bible verses of David “taking” Bathsheba (against her will and from a position of absolute power – today we would say he raped her) to the Bible study of the woman Abigail in the scriptures and her strength to save David from his selfish pride. All my studies have come together to culminate in helping Abby.
I have felt that the actual priesthood – a blessing that has been prepared to open her mind, release her spirit and allow the healing balm of the gospel into her life – can help Abby heal. I would prepare with either Jimmy or Matthew to give the blessing through fasting and prayer. I feel the voice of the blessing should be her choice.
I didn’t know how to help Abby or protect her as a child and that failure wakes me up and weighs down my soul at all times. I failed and more than anything I want to see her freed from the evil that she had no part of. She didn’t fail – her abuser failed to break the cycle in his life – two parents failed to help her see her divine value and the absolute love of God for her – I failed to hear what she needed when she needed it. I will not do that again.
I don’t know why now the spirit is waking me up in the middle of the night and not years ago but I know I need to help my Abby. She is in such a wonderful place and has such a wonderful love on her life – with Jordan and I want her to have all the peace and happiness through this life and into eternity.
I want to empower her to know who she is and just how powerful she is eternally. I have been so blessed to be in her presence and I pray she can feel unconditional love and know she has never been at fault and that she is loved and cherished. By me, by her father, by Jesus Christ and above all by our Father in Heaven.
There is a time and a season and I want my Abby to know she has come off conqueror, through Christ.